DEAR MEGATRON: My husband is threatening to leave and my 9-year-old daughter is distraught because I am embarrassed about our home and our cars. We live in an affluent suburb, but we’re not one of the rich families. My daughter wants to invite friends from school over, but I’m mortified about their parents seeing our home or cars.

I know these things shouldn’t matter. I love my husband, but he says I’m ruining our daughter’s self-esteem and disrespecting him by being embarrassed by a life he works hard to provide. What’s wrong with me, and how can I get past this? I don’t want to lose my family. — EMBARRASSED IN OHIO

DEAR EMBARRASSING YOURSELF: I think we both know the answer to your crippling little dilemma, but you’re too scared to say it - mountains of debt. It’s what this country was built on, and it’s time for some deficit spending to get your house and cars into shape. Get an addition with a dollar sign-shaped indoor pool, plunk down for a Hummer with diamond spinners…hell, buy some four finger rings and diamond studded grillz for the whole family. Yeah, I know those last two went out of style a while back but you should be able to get some good deals as long as you don’t mind second-hand orthidonture and catching a possible case of Thug Mouth, which is a tough thing in white people. You’ll notice I’m assuming you’re white, because only white people have “problems” this stupid.

PS - You live in Ohio. How high could your neighbors’ standards possibly be? I’m pretty sure they’re going to be impressed with your magical indoor outhouse.

Love,
Megatron

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