DEAR MEGATRON: I have cold hands. Because of a medical condition, my hands are either icy from cranked-up air conditioning in the summer or from freezing temperatures in the winter. I hate shaking hands with people because it’s like asking them to hold a block of ice. Should I say something as I’m shaking hands, or should I avoid bringing attention to it and comment only if the other person says something? — ICE PRINCESS IN THE MIDWEST

Dear Ice Whore:
Cold hands? I’ve got one hot gun barrel that will warm those digits up. I’ll transform you into a banging machine, know what I mean? Because that’s what I’m all about. Nailing chicks and destroying Autobots because if I ever stop long enough to think about it, I’ll realize how lonely I am and that I have no one in my life and that at the end of a bad day you can’t curl up with Evil because it’s cold, and it makes you cold, and you want to cry, but you can’t because you’re a robot and they left out that circuit board at the factory along with your mother and father.

I’ve got to go shoot something.
Megatron.