DEAR MEGATRON: I am 21, and my sister “Callie” is 23. I’m having a problem with her boyfriend, “Jared.” When he comes to our house, he constantly belittles me. He calls me names and makes degrading comments about my intelligence, my weight, and just about anything else you can think of. I feel Callie should be the one to tell him he’s out of line, but she refuses. She says I’m being “too sensitive,” and I should accept Jared because he’s a part of her life. My family is planning a trip in a few weeks, and I know Callie will want to bring Jared. What’s the best way to tell my family I won’t be able to attend the outing this year? — HURT IN SACRAMENTO, CALIF.

Dear Insecure Whining Noise:
Get Jared drunk at the family outing, sleep with him, and record the whole affair. Then play the tape for your sister. Jared will be out of your life. I will send Soundwave to help you destroy this relationship. Unless the family outing is at Disney World. Soundwave is terrified of Mickey Mouse.
Megatron.