DEAR MEGATRON: This is the scenario: A few friends were exchanging gifts and having a dinner party. During dinner, some decorations around a candle caught fire and a few gifts burned before the fire was discovered. One of them was my gift to a friend who was attending the dinner. Should I buy another gift to give my friend? What would be the right thing to do? — UNSURE IN VIENNA, VA.

Dear Waste of Skin:
My heart’s wish is that the fire had consumed you, your flammable gifts, and your lame dinner party. Fortunately for you, I don’t have a heart. I have a metal ball of circuits that is fueled by energon and strippers. Unfortunately for you, that same ball of circuits is how I’m able to deduce where you live, thus allowing me to carry out my heart’s wish — which is to totally destroy your home. Don’t bother attempting to understand my logic. Your meager human intellect wouldn’t power a Go-Bot.
Megatron.