DEAR MEGATRON: My parents come to visit about once every two months. My mother is very nosy. She uses the excuse that she is “cleaning” to snoop. The last time she was here, she “did my laundry,” and when Dad and I got home, my personal lubricant was sitting on my microwave! I was so embarrassed. I am 33 years old, and I am tired of her leaving my personal stuff out to let me know she knows I have it. What do I do? — MISS T. IN DACULA, GA.

Dear Dirty, Dirty, Dirty, Girl:
You really should try masturbating with the barrel of a gun. I hear it’s awesome. But do me a favor. Clean it off when you’re done! And hold it. Guns like to be spooned too, not shoved underneath the bed.
Megatron.

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