DEAR MEGATRON: I’m 19 and dropped out of college in December 2005. After years of going through honors classes, I felt like I had nothing left. My brain was on cruise control. I was present but my mind wasn’t. I’d go to class and feel like a shell. I have dreams of what I want out of life — a mansion, a nice car, money in the bank — but I don’t necessarily have to go to college to achieve that. I know it sounds like a cliche, but I feel like I don’t know who I am. So my question is, how should I go about finding myself? — NEEDS HELP IN CHICAGO

Dear I-Just-Want-To-Find-Myself Cliche: Most people don’t know that the Rodney Dangerfield movie “Back to School” was loosely based on my community college experience. I didn’t appreciate that they changed the ending. Instead of the Triple Lindey scene, I exterminated the entire campus after receiving a D minus in Canadian Literature.

I would recommend finishing school. I dropped out and have always regretted it. Look at me now. I have an army of sophisticated fighter jets that gets their asses whomped by a pompous eighteen wheeler and an effeminate VW bug.
Megatron.

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