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Seizing the Wheel

Posted by Megatron on 22nd May 2009

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DEAR ABBY MEGATRON: My mother is 66 and has had two major epileptic seizures. She also has “minor” seizures that last only 30 to 60 seconds. I have seen them. Her doctor has told her not to drive and that it’s against the law in our state for her to drive until she has been seizure-free for six months. The problem is, Mom and her husband believe she can drive safely. She even bought a new car so she can get “better gas mileage.” I lost a brother in a car accident. I don’t want to lose my mother in one, too. I’m also afraid for the safety of pedestrians and other drivers in her path. What can I do or say to get Mom to follow the doctor’s orders?– WORRIED IN THE WEST

grandmaDEAR WUSSY OUT WEST:
OK, so your mother might be breaking a few laws. Yeah, and she might take out a few of your fellow meatbags when her eyes roll back in her head next time she’s behind the wheel. I say have some fun with it. Give her a bottle of Early Times, maybe a couple poppers, and let her roll her Buick right into that Denny’s - no, not the parking lot, the dining room. While you’re at it, give her a pistol, two tigers and a bag of swine flu to go with it. Just make sure you install a black box recorder in her car so you can post the video to ebaumsworld and the stills to 4chan…they’ll know you did it for the LULz.

Or, do what I’ve been planning to do with Starscream and take her out back and shoot her.

Love,
Megatron

See Optimus Prime’s Answer
See Dear Abby’s Answer

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