DEAR MEGATRON: In one of my college classes, the professor was adamant about not clapping in the middle of a live theater performance. He said clapping interrupts the performers and should be done only at the end of each piece. Yet every time I attend a concert or ballet, the audience claps after each dance, song or sometimes even a fancy move. What is proper etiquette at a live performance? — LAUREN IN CAVE CREEK, ARIZ.

Dear Theater Geek:
Clap after each song, and then you put the twenty-dollar bill in her g-string. It’s not just proper etiquette. It’s old-fashioned class. This is the only time you’re allowed to touch the girl — unless you’re a twelve foot tall robot that can transform into a gun. Then you can pretty much do whatever you want. Which I do.

Megatron.

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