DEAR MEGATRON: My husband and I have attended several weddings lately where we have waited up to an hour and a half for the bride and groom to arrive at their own reception. Can you enlighten me because, frankly, I am … ONE CONFUSED GUEST, LEWIS CENTER, OHIO

DEAR PARTY ANIMAL:
Are you kidding me with this? You’re at a wedding reception. Your only job is to get as blasted as humanly possible from the time they open the doors to the time they drag your vomit-dotted carcass back to the hotel. So they’re not officially serving drinks yet? Smuggle in your own in a flask, BeerBelly, or hollowed-out wooden leg if you have to. After you knock back enough rotgut you won’t care that the bride and groom aren’t there yet, if they got divorced on the way to the reception, or the fact you’re probably at a shotgun wedding anyway.

On an unrelated note, you sound like a bitter old cow whose marriage is probably on the rocks anyway. How about you let the newlyweds enjoy their first hour or so of being married without worrying about how it fits into your schedule? Maybe instead of drinking hooch from from a flask, you should suck on the barrel of a gun. I know where you can find one.

Love,
Megatron

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